Onyx, Art Deco, and the Letter D

There is nothing nice about the letter D. Doofus. Dingledork. Dumb. Dope. Dork. Dimwit. Dunce. And the Dreaded school grade, of D no Doubt.

The Letter D, dropped by me one college semester in London many a year ago. I added a theatre class (we’d go see a play each week) and architecture (we’d go see famous places like the Tower of London and Stonehenge). In order to do so, I had to take six courses—plus weekend travel and pub parties, of course.

One of my classes was accounting. A piece of advice to you youths studying abroad—don’t take accounting. I was not very good at accounting back then and got in trouble when I looked out the window to point out that Mick Jagger was outside our first-floor building. The school was in a residential neighborhood, and Mick would visit his grandma there. The accounting teacher was not pleased when everyone ran out of the class. Anyhow, I escaped with you guessed it, a D grade—and was fortunate.

New homeowners and sellers getting ready to put their home on the market often ask what items are good investments. I strive to give A+ advice, but sometimes I give my clients a D grade when it comes to some of their ROI choices. Since I don’t want you to be a ding-dong, I’ll give you 20 pieces of wisdom to keep you out of the D’s and keep your return on investment in the black.

1. Onyx
In slight spots it might sell. I had one house where the entire house—in multiple rooms—had the same onyx: walls, floors, and counters. It was like living in a mountain cave. Still scary, as nobody wanted it.

2. Art Deco 2 Bedrooms on Bad Lots with a Urinal
This is a 2-fer. I had one client who went all out on an art deco creation with a two-bedroom and a den, but no view. They sold their last house for a high amount not because of another crazy creation, but because the home was on the Intracoastal and the land was worth a lot. Anyhow, they thought it was the “great creation” and learned it was not. Their partner put in a urinal in his bathroom. It was on the market for over a decade until pandemic appreciation finally made it a bargain. You’ve been warned!

3. 3rd Bedroom Remodel
It’s actually okay to do this if you are remodeling the entire house. If not, nobody cares about the third bedroom unless it doubles as another word starting with D—the den.

4. 3rd Bathroom
See above.

5. Solar Panels
Solar panels give me a headache. Solar panel salespeople come as door knockers. They train young people right out of college to be fearless and go door to door. I love the concept of helping the environment, but from an ROI standpoint—the numbers don’t work. We had one seller who bought them but had a gas pool, so there wasn’t even savings on heating the pool. The price then has to be raised, and you need buy-in from the buyer on why they should take over the payment. We put on our selling hat, with the key being to showcase the savings. But do me a favor— don’t expect to make money on solar panels. If you do, you’re a dingle dork.

6. Murals
Not exactly a mural, but we had an artist throw paint at the wall with toy cars and a plastered Mona Lisa coming out of the wall. We thought it was cool. My dad came over and after a long pause… said, “Oh!” We enjoyed it and later changed it out, as we would have to if we sold. Some money spent is for fun, but it actually costs money to fix up.

7. Outside Paint Colors
The Boca style of mint green and pink pastels was already going out of style right when we came down to the area.

8. Baltic Brown Granite
It was the rage throughout much of the early 2000s—until it wasn’t. Don’t ever choose that colorway! 1980s mica would sell better.

9. Small Trees When Getting Ready to Sell
I believe in strategic trees to add color, beautification, and block out unsightly views. However, I’ve had clients buy little trees that won’t block out the unsightly view of ole Mr. John walking in his backyard without a top—which, let’s just say, was revealing and would frighten the kiddos. Nobody wants to see that, and if Mom does, that showing is dead on arrival.

10. Big Trees After Purchasing
You can, but you’re better off letting them grow—unless your neighbor is Mr. John.

11. Landscaping
The best ROI for resale—but not while living there. Plants die. I could buy a nice car or pay for a semester at an out-of-state school for how much we’ve probably put into landscaping.

12. Pool Screens
Practical, as they keep the bugs out. However, they aren’t very insurable in a hurricane, and the view looks better without them. I remember having one listing in 2005 where the seller told me she had heavy-duty screen enclosures after the 2004 hurricanes blew hers away. Guess what? It blew away in 2005. Besides that, the view is more open without the screen. I’m not saying not to do them, but like murals, it’s really for your enjoyment.

13. Expensive Furniture
Maybe loses 50% of its value the moment it’s delivered to your home. Less expensive Rooms To Go Furniture has a better ROI than expensive furniture. If you can move it to the next house, that is always your best bet.

14. Expensive Chandeliers
They never keep their value—think furniture.

15. Generator
You’ll get some value, but maybe 50%.

16. Closets
Walk through any new construction model—you won’t see closets built out or included. There is a reason for that.

17. BBQ Grill
They rust, and the outside area around them often looks shabby.

18. Surround Sound
I’ve personally been through this—100% loss.

19. 20k+ Heavy Mahogany Front Doors
I’ve never had luck selling them. French doors that bring in light, open easily, and create a spacious feel are the opposite—and give great ROI.

20. Spanish or Mexican Tile
Always looks good, but always a loser on resale. It’s a specific audience, and even when you find the buyer, they discount you to death.

Off the list are roofs and hurricane shutters. Five and ten years ago, they were items I never wanted my clients to do, but insurance costs and the majority of homes having impact glass changed that around completely. Who knows? Maybe onyx homes with art deco themes and urinals will come back in style? That would be Dazzling!